Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
