You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
two words...techno handjob
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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