my room smells like sperm. sweet.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
