just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
