i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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