I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
