I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
