he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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