he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
