Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
