Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
