Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
