Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
