I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
