White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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