I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
