i jhust puked up my retainher.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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