it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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