I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
