She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
