2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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