I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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