I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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