Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
my liver is dry heaving
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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