end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We need a shit load of segways right now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
