Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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