Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
