Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
this boner is exhausting
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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