remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
