I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
