My first STD was from a foam party
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
