you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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