At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
