you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
