apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
