I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
