eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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