No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
