it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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