I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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