Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
