I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
