So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
