I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
