You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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