It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
