So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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