After last night, I could never be a politician.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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