soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
