You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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